I finally had kitchen counter sex! i was so excited
It was the single greastest thing to happen to my dick ever
Just saw a guy doing jumping jacks at the gym. I don't even have to create a punch line for that
The only way I could have failed my exam worse is if there would have been a drug test portion
well, i woke up this morning to a note i left myself my dry erase board, "dear you: i had sex with someone awful."
I've never seen the starbucks guy more terrified than when you dove out the car window after your credit card
A picture just appeared on facebook. I am puking in the toilet, you are next to me puking in the sink. I think we have our christmas card.
I'm really sorry I gave you road head last night and made you drive over and break the sprinkler system.
It's times like this I miss having my nipples pinched
I am never taking a razor down there again. He'll have to love me as I am.
She has also never texted me first which I think might be a tell-tale sign she wants me to die alone.
I'm so sorry to hear about your grandmother. Also how many grams are in an eighth?
I think it's time for tequila and I to go our separate ways
So not only did I get laid today but I also left with a 42” tv lol
It's bullshittery. It's asshattery. It's complete fuckery at its finest.
Randomize
