Moved my bed either I'm a whore or every guy I have ever slept with hid condom wrappers under my bed
I realized we pick a president more often than I get a blowjob
My dora the explorer band aid does not cover up the shame i feel right now
He's trying to get everyone in the bathtub for a team meeting about how we're gonna find his car. Which is parked outside. Think we should cut him off?
He showed up 3 hours late wearing roller skates and acted like nothing was wrong with that.
I think the duck is in my room. You have no idea how much worse a duck makes a hangover
Let me put it this way - if I had a list of things I would like between my legs, she would rank below the cello I turned into firewood sophomore year.
Itll be like a collage of penis. And not that abstract, one penis in a big painting contemporary shit. Collage....
Someone want to explain the bottle of ranch I found in my pants
Lest we forget our veterans. Also that two years ago I lost my virginity on this day in a hot tub. Go me for being the worst person on earth.
But see that's the thing. I know i'm better looking than you, I just want you to be continually in a state of shock and awe that you could ever get a girlfriend this hot. You know?
I just realized I'm currently not eating carbs, drinking alcohol or having sex. 2014 is off to a horrible start.
Going overboard is basically 75% of my personality
I'm a gorgeous hot mess
i feel like you should know pants are always optional
I don't want to be flamboyant (says the guy who bought a hot pink suit to be a flamingo for Halloween)--but I don't mind being a little extra.
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