you left a giant bottle of vodka in my room from last night. does this serve as a parting gift or hush money?
My mom seriously just told me my insurance company pays for rehab. In an email. I expect a real, not just us joking, intervention coming on. I'm not accepting a "lunch date" with that bitch.
i yelled out "tuesday" during orgasim. he fucked me into 2 days from now.
i slept with him so i could steal the screens out of his sink faucets for my bowl when he went to sleep. not because he's funny.
I'm a little upset you wasted 3 beers on your wet tee shirt contest.
I think I died last night. I had 14 beers..well 13 1/2 if you count the one that got spilled on the baby in the elevator.
The waitress just told me I'm asking alot. So far I've asked for a soul, an angel and carbombs
Multiple bruises and a hell of a headache later, I have still to find out where the fuck I picked up the bottom half of a mannequin.
I think the only context in which I'd be comfortable being kidnapped is by a band of baby sloths
a guy just walked through our campsite, crouched down by the truck, screamed "ACID ONLY LASTS FOR 8 HOURS RIGHT?!", then ran off into the bushes
Also I feel I should tell you last night when I came home I fell into my laundry hamper and woke up in a pile of my clothes
I know you've been in hospital with meningitis, but last night I walked into a streetlight and bruised my penis so who's really suffering here
For the first time in my life, I still have money by the next payday. Who is this responsible person and what have they done with the real me?
Give me the sexing that I truly desire and I will reveal to you the mysterious location of the PBR's
Idk I just think that seeing that man's Twitter always resulting in me looking for the whiskey is a bad sign
Randomize
