I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
You're the 8th person from last night to text me this morning and ask if I'm ok.
you yelled "you will never make love to jesus" and then ran into the tv.
He kept referring to his penis a his "love gun"
he rubbed his balls on my face to wake me up.. this friends with benefits thing is getting out of hand.
What's the appropriate way to phrase "If you ever leave your wife give me a call. But we can still have sex periodically until then."??
Fuck Sunday funday. Fuck real pants. Fuck the sun. Fuck Jameson. Fuck my life. Yes, I am hungover as shit sitting in my office eating bacon.
One day. I will touch his hair. I'm curious if it'll be like a soft cloud.
He held back my hair as I puked, then kindly asked me to slightly move my head over and pissed right next to my face.
ARE YOU THINKING VAGINA THEMED RESTAURANT
We joked about how funny it would be if he got pulled over with 300 breakfast burritos in hus car. We walk outside of the school just as the police lights turn on and pull him over
Come over. Bring cocaine. And my t shirt with the dolphin on it.
How hard do you think it would be to make a drinking game out of a Slip-N-Slide? Asking for a friend.
I had to bail out of the tour de Franzia because I have class Saturday morning. Grad school is ruining my life
Celebrated Veteran's Day by getting a Marine (who just got back from deployment in the middle east) drunk and laid for the first time in 6 months. #Murica
Randomize
