I just googled "whats above a trillion", thats how busy I am at work.
Who's your beautiful friend? Please include the words "Straight", "Single", and "Legal" in your response.
i wish my apartment had room service that i didn't have to pay for.
I think I just need to sleep with both of them to see which I want to date.
You just went from promiscuous to slut in 3.2 seconds.
I don't understand how anyone could look at him and think, 'Yeah, that's a good idea.'
forced to watch US open for father's day. only perk is discovering dustin johnson...reeeeally hoping that this golf sex addiction thing is contagious
so i had a dream that andrew cuomo ate me out. guess who i'm voting for?
oh god all I remember is forward rolls down the corridor and all I have to show for it is "fit Romanian guy" saved in my phone
You didn't see us wave? How could you not? We were all going like 10mph screaming at you. We were stoned and didnt wanna run over pedestrians
I have vomit stuck in my nose, you should come with a warning label.
Serious question: Should I volunteer to get tazered? My instincts say no but my wild side says yes.
Just puke out the sadness. Like a fuckin dragon.
I'm sorry I peed on the bushes at your law firm. Is there anyway you could defend me for the ticket I'm about to get?
He asked me what I wanted for Christmas. I told him an orgasm would be nice.
Turns out I made out with a woman dressed as a unicorn here 10 years ago
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