Someone took a freaking dump on a roll of toilet paper. Next to the toilet. No shit in the toilet. Just on the roll of toilet paper.
Yeah, i don't remember peeing. or meeting the girl.
you threw your tampon into someones open car window...while they were driving.
i woke up in the lobby of Holiday Inn on a chair sitting up straight
I'm buying eyelash glue, salt, and limes. We know how tonight is ending.
there is no excuse for him not showing up to my st. patrick's day party. i touch his dick. i get him on the high holidays.
I'm eating a piece of cake like an apple. At least my thought process is healthy.
I deserve like a purple heart or something. I just made it all the way drunk through my 2 story house without making a sound. While carrying a trombone.
You get home ok?
Uh, you stopped by my house at 4 am and woke me up, so yeah.
MY MOM IS GOING TO SMOKE WITH ME.
SHE'S GOING TO SMOKE HIGH QUALITY MARIJUANA WITH ME.
This is not a costume party, I'm just wearing fairy wings.
Of course you are.
You are under a naked attack watch for the whole weekend. Shelter in place.
After you finished the $300 bottle of wine you just started crying about how if Mulder and Scully didn't invite you to join the x-files your life would be meaningless because you "love that weird shit"
It's my birthday, if I want to stay home, get stoned and watch the gameshow network, that's what I'm going to do.
Don't come back. They don't have pants.
Oh god.
God has nothing to do with this.
Randomize
