Apparently they want to see what I've been working on for the last three months. Can I just hand them a bunch of empty fifths?
Fun fact of the day the average american will consume 13248 beers in their lifetime.
So for us it's double that?
Precisely.
Just saw the first guy i ever slept with in drag. I can hear my grandfather saying "i knew she was a lesbian" somewhere
But I thought everyone had breakup sex?
yeah come on over we're just pre gaming for the grocery store
What is an appropriate "thanks for saving my life" gift? I don't have any experience with this.
If you happen to tell anybody my drunk story in the near future, please refrain from telling them about me shitting myself. People are getting the wrong idea and random people are messaging me on Facebook making fun of me for that
You know you're hung-over when you're smoking and have the strong urge to eat the cigarette. No more buckets of gin. No. More. Ever.
Hey can you text me Heidi's phone number. I just stapled her mattress to the wall and I want to send her a picture of it.
It's like the bat signal. He only texts me when I'm naked.
I gave three different guys a boner at the same time last night, and none of them are in the same city as I am. That's achievement.
The Easter sex puns were too abundant
That's why my boobs are so big, they're full of secrets.
Come over.
Look lady I can't have sex with you EVERY day. I have things to do.
Long story short I ended up getting choked out by a really hot guy in the girls bathroom at a bar last night
Randomize
