I CAN MOONWALK!
Im starting to realize why people dont masturbate while driving
I'm buying a chandelier at walmart. WHO'S CLASSY NOW, BITCHES.
The woman in front of me has a completely clear purse. I can see everything. It's ballsy because her vagisil is on display.
He started telling people I was Stephen Hawking's son. When that didnt fly he switched to Tony Romo's cousin
Its like after 6 beers, the clap doesn't scare me anymore.
Apparently she ran into the Emergency Room declaring "ROOM, PLEASE" as if she were checking herself into Holiday Inn.
Take this only to mean that we love you, but we're having a serious, half-hour, hypothetical discussion about how far we think we could throw you.
His fuck buddy just got fake tits and wants him to 'come break them in.' I need his life.
For Valentine's Day I've purchased six lighters and I'm decorating them for him. I'm on a full ride to an art school and this is what I'm using my talents for. An intervention is needed. Please stop letting me date stoners.
Ask me who hasn't showered since Sunday and just got cruised at the gas station on his way to work. I'm a terrible gay.
Good thing my vagina doesn't have a chronometer on it. I'm sure my fiance would be horrified. Probably 10 miles from this past weekend alone.
P.S. If you wake up before noon it still counts as morning sex
I love waking up to reeses ice cream. But I DONT love waking up to it all over my cat. I blame you.
I swear to god, no guy has been as interested in sticking stuff up my butt as this girl
Randomize
