1:57 a.m. Where did you go???
1:58 a.m. What are you doing? I want to go home with you, why aren't you responding?
2:11 a.m. Heading back to your place now, will you let me in?
I'm wearing a childsize birthday hat and a bib. I am the def of sex appeal rite now
honestly if we didnt hate the same people we would have a friendship based on nothing
Literally he has the smallest penis I've ever felt since 8th grade.
A cab driver remembered me by name, address, and ex fuck buddys nick name from a year ago. I mustve been one memorable shit show.
I've really got to stop smuggling half full bottles of beer out of bars in my purse.
Everytime I know she spent a lot of time on her hair for one of our dates, I intentionally cum on the top of her head. That's how she knows I pay attention.
how did i get to the car and why are my shoes broken
The bruises are from paintball. The money is from me being awesome
while he was teaching, every time he said "wet" he would look at me, that's what you get for sleeping with the professor's assistant
I had my first "Damn Kids/When I Was That Age" rant at work today. We need to drink this feeling out of me. NOW.
I've decided to become a librarian so I can drunkenly quote The Mummy and have it be legit.
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
Listen here, Ms. "I'm Gonna Get Super Drunk and Run From My Friends Screaming That They Were Going to Drag Her to a Scientology Recruitment Camp"...
Why can't he see that I don't want a slow getting to know you period? I just want to bone. NOW.
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