she left her pants. im pretty sure she grabbed mine on accident. im like 9 man sizes bigger than her. wtf
I just peed or puked all or around my parjibgb lot.
parking. I am not drunk
You dropped me off at the wrong girl's house.
There's no such thing as a "wrong girl" make it happen.
alright see you in the morning.
i have a food baby... i think its a boy...
The worse part is i sent a text at like three that said i was getting head... Now i have no idea who's mouth has been on my dick
Sign #1 that I'm not ready to be a mother: I'm shopping for "maternity fishnets".
One fish gets drugged and suddenly I'm labeled a bad pet owner. This is so unfair.
Woke up in an unfamiliar pair of underwear, running shoes but no socks, and a cowboy hat. Thank you crown royal
AFTER I licked the bald guys head they told me we weren't playing
I said that I'm avoiding parties and guys, and the freshman girl just laughed
My Canadian brought me three bottles of maple syrup, a sunflower, and a pair of Oakleys back to the states...he's either drunk or he loves me
they asked me about my neuroscience major and I said 'the brain is the outer space of the body' and passed out. it appears my ivy league education is not going to waste
So I bet a guy he could drink two irish car bombs faster than me and I lost. now he gets to name our first son. sory.
I won the 'drunkest person at a family event' award tonight.
And for some reason every time I get drunk I just want to tell you that I have a mini secret personal fan club of your dick
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