he asked me to smell his eyeballs.
Judging by her face, I'd say she's at least dabbled with meth...
walmarts paint section shouldnt be open at 3am
i probably shouldve stopped when i uncurled the curly straw in my cocktail because it was slowing me down
we've been together for three years, and i still get excited when i know i'm going to give him a blow job. it's that kind of love
I'll have you know that I'm still picking duct tape residue off my wrist from sunday
Dude this deaf chick is totally hot, I just bought an apartment on boner ave
He tried to spell out "PROM?" in his cum on my stomach during sex. It was terrible
well did you say yes?
Idk I somehow continue to get laid by pulling my dick out and reciting the 3 world country orphan kid commercials
This weekend I forgot a cup, so I drank my wine out of a Pringles can. So classy. You would have been so proud.
Oh and .... you'll love this: my life coach says you writing my online dating profile isn't a horrible idea.
I mean like, I missed 30 minutes of star wars to fuck you on Christmas so you must be worth something
I walked outside and found some random guy passed out on our front porch. We managed to acquire the 12 pack of lagers he had so it's all good.
Lunch?
Massage?
Spanking with handcuffs?
I am watching a girl dressed up as santa, full on fat suit, try to fight a six foot 200lb man. A reindeer threw beer on everyone. Shit is going down
Randomize
