She turned over and said "You smell like my dad, i just can't do this"
One of the cleaning ladies on my floor just screamed from the bathroom
he just kept repeating that I have nice areolas
I am getting my wife a tattoo just above her butthole that says, "For entry just add tequila."
It got awkward when the girl working at planned parenthood continued to hit on me, after she knew about my STDs.
seriously, i am too high for the omelet station to be playing Being For The Benefit Of Mr Kite at 7am
Went from beach to class to bar all while wearing my swimsuit as pants. Clearly I'm dressed for success.
You peed in my camelbak and said it was a reverse catheter. Not cool.
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
I went limp when I heard her mom fart from her parents bedroom. It lasted longer than my hard on.
I did my walk of shame through a safeway at 8am to get YOUR hangover bagels. You're welcome asshole
I showed my cat the amount of coke I had. She looked concerned.
I'm so hung over that I'm pretty sure I can feel the earth's rotations when I close my eyes.
too bad we didn't bet. my 38-1 tears would have made great lubrication for a blow job.
I tried to get the guy I like to “spit shake” on a sexual bet... why am I such a bro fml
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