Swine flu. Run for my life!
Jon and Kate are totally playing with my emotions.
i mean i care more about their marriage then my own parents
I'm drinking reisling in a paper cup by myself in the garage.
Disregard that. She just puked into her boot and started screaming.
The twins are whispering in turkish together. I think I did something bad last night.
I woke up to him drunk-t-bagging me, saying "huevos rancheros" were being served for breakfast.
she woke me up with a blowjob, mickey mouse pancakes, a mugshot of my ex in county jail, and tequilla. Do you know if she fucked someone behind my back or did i win the vagina lottery?
Who is he, asking me if im dtf without a question mark
...
There are some sad choices of men in the ER. That one was missing teeth. Not the place to find a husband.
Well, we could've been at the bar taking a shot everytime my rash spread. But Noooooo. You had to go out with your non- girlfriend. Lame.
I told her I didn't have a condom. She then sized me with her thumb and finger and tossed me a large. Then I asked her to marry me.
Is this the point in which we come to terms with our lesbianism or is that after you send me more ass pics...
TSA literally pulled two bottles of whiskey out of my bag. Once he saw the leopard print socks and the mickey mouse tank, he put it back in my bag and said "Have a fun trip, man."
Was about to close the deal last night until he said he hadn't seen the Taylor Swift video. So I made him watch it before I let him have sex with me.
the coup got in the way of sex but inauguration day came thru we did it joe
Randomize
