the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
CONFIRMATION: i wiki searched it and Justin Bieber is 15 not 13. so i dont feel like as much of a pedofile now....
not only did i soak my thesis by spilling celebratory shots on it, but i also stained it with lipstick making it obvious i tried to drink the vodka off it......dgaf, worth it.
He just made a mudslide using rubinoff and swiss miss packets. This can't end well....
Only I could do what I did last night and feel perfectly ok working around children the next day
I found this letter on my leg this morning "dear sober self- we are one body now. It's weird but get used to it because it already happened" who the fuck is lionman?
I just recognized Courtney in a crowded Trader Joe's solely by seeing her ass. In other news, I survived the first round of layoffs today.
I'm not sure which feat is more impressive...
Your dress got me laid by one of Obama's Secret Service members. Patriotic duty, check.
lesson learned.. dressing up like a naughty teacher doesn't mean you can get away with spanking a cop with a ruler for being "fresh" with you
i got up, ate a McDouble, then went straight back to bed.
You sure know how to make a day worth living.
I think I fell in love with her when I saw her kick a freshman in the chest
His constant posting of "inspirational" Taylor Swift quotes over the past 3 days has me a little worried. It's like, holy shit dude, you're almost 30.
It's best not to have your booty call on social media. So if they post stupid shit, you still want to fuck them.
Why did I wake up next to the fire pit? And who wrapped me up like a burrito?
Jägerbombs. Thank Sara.
The brides mom put a 6 year old in charge of me to make sure I don’t get too drunk before the wedding
Randomize
