be a good friend and just tell me i'm not pregnant
dude i dnt kno how, but i think theres a tampon in my butt
can't believe I ate straight coffee grounds to stay awake for that
can we please take bets on how much therapy you'll need in the future?
She helped me organize my comics and then blew me. This is the one.
I wasted my skinny years on you. The least you can do is high five me at the bar
Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.
remember last year when i left for the bar in flip flops and came back in heels?
it happened again.
It's a line of coke at 10 a.m. kind of Saturday. Don't be a pussy about life.
Is all white too much for court to prove my innocents?
They don't allow McDonald's in the ER. Go figure
They usually take it with their boobs. It's like a horizontal motorboat
I'm doing an Uber ride of shame in a red, white and blue bikini top and America shorts. Good for me.
Really, who hasn't had sex on your bed?
ME.
Should probably stop going into the gas station to look for the most normal person to hitch a ride with to drive me to a party
Randomize
