There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
I don't know who he was, where he came from, or where he went, but he just handed me a bowl of mac and cheese and left. It was good too.
we did rock-paper-scissors to see who would find out if you had alcohol poisoning
so now that i'm sober i just want to apologize for violating your back seat...... on a brighter note thank you for playing the little mermaid song "kiss the girl," really set the mood.
DO NOT GO IN OUR BATHROOM. it cannot be unseen
I thought about puking over the balcony or the bathroom and figured the balcony seemed much funner.
they're both probably 7 inches? or 8? I'm shoving a ruler in my mouth trying to figure it out
Haha, you avoided her at all costs. And then she shoved her tits in your face
omg just made cake vodka jello shots, sooooo excited
dear god these taste like death. death and sprinkles
Except if I'm having sex. In which case you're in the bed with us or out of the room. No halfsie participation.
that was the most beautifully crafted sentence ive ever read that involved the phrase "genitals or whatever"
That reminds me of the morning I woke up on the sidewalk covered in chicken wings
I'm high. I apologize for that last sentence
I CAN’T BELIEVE YOU STUCK YOUR DICK IN CRAZY!
Randomize
