I overheard a kid saying to his mom at Walmart: "Mommy.. should we buy cups for daddy's spit?"
Pro tip: Don't start playing Bejeweled on Facebook while waiting for your Adderall to kick in. Unless you have the next 9 hours free.
Police were closing down the bar due to gunfight and I was crying because they wouldn't let me finish putting temporary shamrock tats on my boobs
He told me he was in a Proactive commercial. It didn't seem to work for him but he was buying me shots so I slept with him anyways.
Hey, what did you end up doing with those ski goggles?
Anything is possible. I didn't even know I was wearing the toilet cover as a hat
The packers need to win more often, Andrew keeps drunk calling me and confessing his undying love for me in between puking and taking more shots.
Apparently at 2 AM I decided to let the world know about my newfound love for elephants
The only thing I remember last night was feeding my dog 4 McDoubles.
I want to be a supportive friend to her, but I also want to sleep with her ex now that he's single.
Went on a blind date. Afterwards I ripped my pants off and said "it's game time". He was into it.
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
i can eat my weight in tater tots. don't test me, bitch
Bitch I slept on the ground 2 nights running
Seriously if we go to rome ur fucking me into the sunset on a wrought iron balcony overlooking Vatican City
I skipped the handshake and went right for a dickshake I had him minutes after I saw him.
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