Btw the nut in my hair goes great with my outfit !!! :(
eh.. i should've known it was headed downhill after he used the phrase "pussy sundae"
did i really try to jack off an athens police horse last night? please tell me youre kidding..
He DELETED brick breaker off his blackberry why even bother trying to find something in common?
I literally stabbed myself so I had a valid reason to get out of having sex with her
You need to come over. I cant get her to stop eating honey mustard straight from the squeeze bottle
He lasted about 30 seconds then said you can't win them all. But then he made me pancakes so it's okay. We shall call him mancakes.
Just walk up to him nice, spread your legs like smooth peanut butter on toast and scream "LOOK AT MY BEAVER! LOOK AT IT!!"
I just found out two girls I dated met each other, bonded over how much they hate me, started dating and are gonna get married soon.
I'm all about clean living these days
You started your day with fried chicken and a bloody
... after you woke up in your own urine
You can call me ugly and you can call me fat,but don't you EVER say my meme game is weak.
Just cuz I'm recovering alcoholic does NOT make me the taxi for you every weekend
TURNS OUT they were both cheating. Like the Gift of the Magi except for shitty people
I woke up with my converse still on and a plate of pasta next to my face, if that gives you any indication of how my night went
Going through his web history. 10 hours ago he searched "how to put on condom with your teeth" I think I'm getting it tonight.
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