So, I'm about to rent a movie, order pizza, and use my vibrator.... Am I dating myself?
Sometimes I think its so cool that a dick that has been inside kate moss has also been inside me. So exciting.
I think tequila should come with a little jiminy cricket
so when she was in the shower, I took a pic of my dick with her phone and sent it to her brother saying, this just fucked your sister
I need to figure out what I wanna do with my life.
There are margaritas in the freezer still.
I went from a chick that didn't like to have sex to one that can't get enough of it. I can't believe I'm going to say this but at 27 I think I need a happy medium
I just had a 30 minute fake cell phone conversation with myself just to avoid hooking up with the drunk guy next to me. its like an art form.
she fell through a window trying to flash someone
captain&coke to the library. STAT. this is an emergency. this is not a drill. I repeat: THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I just told a kid I was in a wheelchair because Santa shot me due to me being on the naughty list. You should have seen this little bastards face
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
Idk tell her to wear something sluttty. I have that one skirt I got arrested in if she wants to borrow?
There is nothing worse than the batteries of your vibrator dying on valentines day
She broke up with me. I guess I was in the most chaste lesbian relationship in the history of the world and had no idea.
It was just like the old times. We watched movies and shit. But not like old times-i fucked her hot brother when she was in the shower? Times are a'changin.
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