Her hair smelled like a rat dipped in mustard on fire
You told me to hold on because you had to barf like a dinosaur.
i'm sitting in the library realizing that the 2 most productive things i did this weekend was have sex and go to the liquor store...
The fact that she put a frat guy in check tells me I did some good raising my little sister. Time to see if she does keg stands.
Because i love you. And people show love by not letting their friends shit themselves.
I've known you for the past two years. You never kid about biology or alcohol.
Do you remember peeing in the sink while I was throwing up?
No ma'am, I do not. I found a video of us trying to do a trust fall though. Emphasis on the trying.
Did you take the full box of samoas or do I not remember getting baked and eating half a box by myself?
Was your bare penis on or around my blanket?
What have I told you about trying to use Jesus as your wingman?!
In other news, I tore a tendon in my hand from giving my boyfriend handjobs so that's how my day is going
I can't tell if my heart is fluttering because I love him... or if it's palpitating from all the coke.
She drank my rum. I had sex in her bed and didn't wash the sheets. We're even.
I'll give you some leg action but I'm not showing you anything else until your penis admits it loves me
If I'm getting through this pandemic I'm doing it drunk.
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