Just spun two beer bottles and Placed them in my pockets perfect... I feel like the clint eastwood of drunks
He gave me a book last time I slept there. Im beginning to feel like a really weird hooker. Like instead of money he gives me random shit he has lying around. like hamburger buns
I'll be heading downtown with donuts and a lawn chair at 9am to go Halloween Walk o' Shame spotting.
I just wanna go home eat some pizza rolls, get warm and jerk off, and it's only 845. This shit was supposed to make me see unicorns. Not cry
I mean, yeah, she was cheating on me but I've been fucking her brother. My secret relationship trumps her secret relationship.
The van in front of me contains people having SEX. I am in full view of a SEX VAN.
Are you responsible for the syringes and miniature cactus garden that has magically taken over my fridge?
He invited me over for shower sex and pizza. Officially the best booty call relationship around.
I'm super stoned watching the vatican smoke cam. Come over.
I just read through our messages from yesterday and realized we both referred to me tearing my penis as a good thing. What the fuck.
He asked me if my princess crown was real and before I could say yes, he was already reaching to put it on. I'm pretending I'm asleep if he tries to have sex.
so apparently last weekend we taught the mascot how to shotgun beers. am i winning college yet?
there's people who respect me enough not to bang on my bed and i think that's beautiful
I think I may be going on too many job interviews. I've started to bring up Shonda Rhimes in my interview answers.
If he comes over I probably get to fuck him and if he doesn't I don't have to pay him the $60 I owe him for weed. It's a win-win situation.
Randomize
