Nah got too drunk to function...probably could have dragged something home over my shoulder if the cops didn't roll
It's like a choose-your-own-adventure. But the adventure is already chosen for you. And it sucks.
I think im gonna have to stop sexting on the metra. The middle aged businessman behind me just leaned over and whispered 'dirty girl' and highfived his seatmate.
I took a shit in your bathtub. Nothings off limits
Listen, everyone has a price and mine is free taco bell.
just made one giant jello shot... if i have to study on a saturday night, i'm gonna do it as drunk as possible
fuck your need to drink for whitney a thousand times last night.
Your either lost or getting food, if your lost find me a girl on your way back, if your getting food grab me a double cheese
Brown or brunette? Ketchup or mustard?
I love you bro
I apologize for violently hooking up with her in front of you in the jacuzzi last night.
That accounts for only three of the penises
She got called into work early but she left me a note that had directions to her roommates stash of weed on top of a two bacon and egg mcmuffins. I think I win.
I wouldn't be too worried. He's been known to chase a chubby before.
THAT IS NOT HOW YOU TALK TO YOUR SISTER
I forgot drug dealers have families, too. Cheers to a sober, uncomfortable, slightly enraging Thanksgiving.
Would you still love me and fuck me doggie style if I had a dinosaur tramp stamp?
i just got drunk and created an entire Dr Seuss unit for my first graders.
Randomize
