Hey sorry for feelin' up your date. Sadly, this is a mass txt.
I'm not going to blow you while you look at fish on the internet.
theres bread in your mailbox im going to eat it
nevermind its newpaper
...She just said, "We've been blessed with good drugs lately."
I got out of bed with her to go smoke a bowl with her roommate which was fine but I passed out when I went upstairs to take a piss.
Yeah.. she's probably not gonna call.
We were just at different life stages. He wanted to get married and have kids, I wanted to take MDMA and fuck my roommate.
From time to time I think I'm happy for a second and then I remember how a guy stopped me from giving him head on my birthday weekend.
My aunt left me alone with the instructions to "get waisted" by the time she returns. I love drunk aunt.
It's amazing how hard it it while drunk to not comment "fuck you" on dumb peoples' statuses
Don't worry my mom is buying me a vasectomy for Christmas
How you doing tonight? I got my butthole licked so i cant complain.
congrats on being the token straight people in our group.
what the fuck is wrong with you
Do you want me to go chronologically or alphabetically?
It's 7am. I'm sitting on the curb in last nights clothes with a nose bleed and no idea how to get home. Low moment I feel.
I can't come. It's so cold my uterine walls have frozen together like a cherry popsicle.
Randomize
