i just broke my key off in the door of my house because the engine wasnt starting
My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
today is monday, i feel like we should do something illegal
I'll give her a pass for the first one, but after the second threesome, she should have learned her lesson.
I decided to buy a keg of Miller Lite instead of paying the electric bill. Just thought I'd give you a heads up...
Its like every time I go out with you, it always involves Serbian chicks and taco bell and you always manage to get both all over my bed.
Made out with a girl in a wheelchair and rode her around while I was blackout. On a new level.
I was dressed as bob Ross as this occurred
You are so lucky you didn't go back to Tate's house. They decided to figure out who had the biggest balls... I was the judge
He is full of southern hospitality and I want to be full of him.
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
I'm on day 4 of clean eating. I call it the "whore by June" program
and then you called me a third time and yelled that you were stealing a puppy named Willow
I have a bottle of rum in my pocket...what does that say about me...
You come prepared
Found your bra
Where?
Hanging in the tree
My fuck it list is complete! I finally got a firefighter!
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