Moan for me like Helen Keller
He told me he could read braille... with his tongue. So I took him home. I don't think he was lying
You were so drunk that you were trying to take pictures of a MILF at the park so you could send them to Adam, but you didn't want to "seem creepy," so you used taking pictures of her son as a cover. Needless to say, cops were called.
You and I should start a club for people who woke up on outside on a bench with no idea how they got there.
the worst part of it wasnt him peeing on the xbox. it was when he showed me his penis and made a kissy face at me. THAT was painful.
battery dying...get laid and text me after...or during...its whatever.
well i had to explain to their mom why the kids i babysit for won't stop repeating the phrase "nice juicy guido"
For Valentine's Day I've purchased six lighters and I'm decorating them for him. I'm on a full ride to an art school and this is what I'm using my talents for. An intervention is needed. Please stop letting me date stoners.
i got a standing ovation for bringing skittles to the party
Turns out the creepy dude who bought us tequila shots was the friend of a friend who then got us a table and several large bottles of champagne.
Never judge a man by his mustache.
I would go a lot of places to get laid. But I would NOT go to Staten Island.
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
the best part is that i get to keep the pot plants and he still has my name tattooed on his ass
I’m a women at a strip club dressed as post Malone
We won like $80 last night at the casino, so if we get the Plan B we still have enough to get your basic bitch latte from Dunkin. Calm down.
Randomize
