the family i'm sitting with looks like the Addams family. Except for the daughter...she looks like Shrek
I'm one shot of soco 100 away from fucking a mailbox
mid puke you looked up at me and asked if it was your turn to sing
If the blowjob was before the wedding, we're not technically related, right?
its likemy ribs anf my hesrt aew cuddlingn
He was showing him the picture of the 40 year old woman he made out with in Florida, turns out Chris made out with the same woman.
Go her
Oh my god i hate key west. No one takes amex and strippers took all my money
I apologized for the whole SWAT team incident to the roommate.
I had mdma, weed, and alcohol in my system. My doctor seems to think that's how I tore my groin.
His dog was laying on the bed and he said we could have sex as long as we didn't disturb his dog. My life is pathetic
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
I am getting off work an hour early just to watch you drink. Never let it be said that I don't love you.
She'd probably like you more if you'd stop fucking her husband.
I thought i was doing pretty well but I walked into my first class and everyone on my side of the room immediately asked how drunk and high I was
Hey how're your balls?
Don't ever let me helicopter again.
Randomize
