I just want to get to the point in our relationship where I can get on top of her and fart and we can both laugh...not just me.
You know how i spent all of black friday on the plane? Well guess who's getting a x-mas gift from skymall?!!??
def just vomited mimosa in the gym trashcan. i weigh less already so i say its been a solid workout.
Straight up if I get stuck with her I'm going to drink myself into a prison cell.
Even the bar was yelling boobs, so of course the shirt came off
She cheated on me with the same state trooper that wrote me a ticket.
I guess now you have a way to keep your license when you bring that up in court.
Dude, you are the most awesome.
I peed in a 7/11 last night. Like literally pretended I pretended I was shopping, looked around, and peed on boxes in the corner. No more tequila
I made my own utility belt like Batman. It has a cup holder for my beer, cell phone holder, a little pocket for condoms, and a sewing kit just in case.
I don't care how much you're grieving a loss, masturbating off the side of a roof is not acceptable mourning behavior.
His hair looked like he was in a bukaki and then got a perm right after
It was a fight. Me vs nature and drunkenness. And nature won. Big time.
So I'm texting her. How do I steer the conversation toward "I honestly would be fine never seeing you again"?
we fucked and then he hand fed me a hot pocket
How don't you remember..? You were getting handfuls of skittles out from our bra screaming TASTE THE RAINBOW.
you asked how they got the microwave in the air. we had to explain three times that it was mounted there until you finally feel asleep
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