u cheatin on me?
if i did i would try to upgrade babe.
Latest life lesson : don't accidentally send an "I nutted on her tramp stamp" text to your tattoo-less girlfriend. Oops.
I do not want to touch your penis after this conversation.
was just hit on by a homeless lesbian. forever alone.
Balls are wasted. Waste are ballsted. Ballsd wasted
It really ruins the moment when you have to ask to resend the nude pics.
When I start carrying a bottle in my hand, jumping from boat to boat with a grenade horn. YOU should know this isn't going to turn out well.
Everyone already knows you're a drunk, they understand.
Single person behavior: I wanted a cookie but was too lazy to make or go buy any, so I let cookie dough ice cream melt and ate all the chunks. Pantsless.
Do you know how to give stiches?
I do not...this text concerns me
OH MY GOD I JUST WANT TO GO HOME AND FART ALL NIGHT.
You made out with two different species that night
Great. Now I have to produce, edit and leak a sex tape before Saturday. Fundraising is hard.
The problem with having a roommate is that you are forced to answer the age old question "Are you okay?"
If its not for food we ain't going out.
I hate when pretentious people talk bad ab corn dogs
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