you threw up in the oven last night. i found that out after i preheated it to cook a pizza.
You coming out tonight? We gotta hang out before I move to Madison. BTW I'm moving to Madison.
Is it bad that John just came to my work to have sex with me bc I felt bad that he slept on his porch last night locked out and I missed all his calls?
I owe you 20 bucks. My blood work did show liver damage.
the parents are super pissed...made eye contact with the mom while going down on another girl
Having him as a wingman is like telling the girl you already have aids
He's like Medusa, you can't look directly into his eyes or you'll turn into a slut.
The chips are stabbing my teeth, and I can feel the muscle under my mouth contracting.
Some clips from last night: grinded like I haven't since college. Took shots with a bartender with a bad ass mustache. Made up a string of lies with fake names and occupations. Slept behind the couch with pizza in my hand
You don't realize how cold it really is...I poured my bong out the second floor window and icicles hit the ground.
Hey, thanks for not calling the cops when I answered the door naked, high as fuck, and covered in red velvet cake batter.
CUM CAME OUT OF MY NOSE. MY SINUSES ARE ENTIRELY FUCKED UP NOW BC OF THE CUM TRAVELING IN PLACES IT SHOULD NOT HAVE.
I blacked out. Broke into their house. Took a shit, and left. This is why you can't leave me unattended.
He said 'I really struggle with the sin of lust' then we proceeded to have sex. So I guess it was a perfectly executed Catholic pick up line?
At least I’m an “essential employee” and can still bang my boss. \n\nFingers crossed my husband doesn’t ask why I’m essential, the orgasms are too good to give up during this pandemic
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