Houston.. we have a drinking problem..
You realize we can hear you jacking off in your room, right?
I like it rough
Writing a love song to planned parenthood. what rhymes with "don't have AIDS"
He's spent his last 3 years working at Urban Outfitters. No, I'm not sad I missed out on a life of mustaches, the dollar menu and shitty scarves.
As we were fooling around he told me he was conceived on this bed like it would turn me on.
I don't mean to complain but you could have done a better job of keeping me alive last night
but im not going to tell the owner of the penis of my dreams how to wear his hair.
I'm bringing cupcakes to work today as an apology for my actions at the bar last night, my boss probably can't look at me the same ever again
It was right before we played jenga with champagne glasses for a good half hour
The date officially concluded on the phrase "Nosh dat vag".
I just found a half a joint in my bed. . .don't know if this qualifies as a proud moment or a cry for help
well a fat roach just fell out of my hair. so there's that
Probably yeah. I mean maybe one day we can be those friends that hang out naked. Not awkard at all.
I felt like I was selling my soul to satan but then I realized I already pawned it for drug money
If so I'm coming over there. There's no way I'm having "hello, how are you" conversations with my neighbors on acid
Randomize
