He asked me to sit on his face, but i didnt, for 2 reasons, one, i had just pooped like 20 mins before sex, and two, this could be my future husband. so i skipped on sitting.
i just put a booger in my mom's hair and i just needed to tell someone.
Does slim fast make a chocolate heart for valentines? If so that's what she's getting.
She gave me a BJ with my hoodie on. it was like i was blowing myself.
Dude. Zebras have bad attitudes.
Right, well, that begs the question of where did you get the whip, why are you using it, and why don't you carry one around more often?
no dont worry i changed into my costume in the hospital bathroom
Two questions. One. Where are you watching election results tomorrow? Two. Can we have Obama victory sex?
he looked at me and said 'happiness is a warm blanket' then stole my vodka.
Just go read my twitter... There's a play by play. It starts with a penis pump
I'm just saying, if you haven't been dropped off at a Wawa at 5:30 in the morning by 3 cop cars, you're missing out
I have got to stop telling people I was almost a prositute every time I drink
you know your booty call is really trying when he offers to pay the toll for the bridge you have to cross to get to his house
Where is the baby squirrel I found last night?! I've looked all morning I can't find Morris anywhere did someone take him?? ðŸ˜ðŸ˜
Honey, I kept trying to tell you it was just a pine cone.
How did i spend $200 last night?
Every time you went to get me a drink, you also came back with shots. Then you fell down the steps.
Randomize
