pick me up and take me to a bathroom i have to shit
no
the bathroom is right infront of the beerpong table
im sorry you werent invited but you live 2 blocks away PLEASE
Just fucked a hooker at a motel in New Jersey. Two states down, 48 to go.
I will never try to masturbate with americas funniest home videos playing in the background ever again
I can't wait to see you, I've been doing mouth stretches for the past 2 days
the general consensus of people in the room is that i should have another bottle of wine.
"people in the room" being me.
Two things. 1 - I want to apologize for my drunkeness last night. 2 - I want to pre-apologize for my anticipated drunkeness tonight.
composition of my stomach right now: 60% C8H10N4O2 * H2O (coffee), 20% CaCO3 (pepto bismol/tums), 10% HCl (stomach acid), 5% fried rice, 5% residual adderall. i can do that by percent mass too. fuck you finals.
Like, actually questioning if you ate dog shit last night
If it's up to me, I'll already have my pants on and walking out before he gets soft afterward.
At least I had a $10 coupon for Plan B today. Smart shopping for bad decisions
The pee I just pissed was about 7% better than the one at your house. But both are pretty far up there.
Her four year old daughter walked up to me grabbed my junk and said "this will be in mommy later." Wtf?
Nothing like a little chlamydia diagnosis to ring in the new year
I hate csi yet I find myself watching a full marathon. I am also eating hotdog buns stuffed with barbecue chips and they are quite tasty
We were having sex and he started doing some weird swivel move. I was like wtf and he said sorry just trying to pop my knee.
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