had to check his id this morning to remember his name.... i was wayy off
i think i should save myself the $200 for a prom dress. i mean why bother. its just going to be covered in vodka/jizz/and puke by the end of the night.
My mom is such a hoarder. I found a deer candelabrum last night, it had antlers has candle holders. It was like a redneck menorah.
We've reached that awkward stage of the relationship where he's in love with me when he's drunk, but sober him is still afraid of commitment.
What? Cold floors are soothing when you have a hangover. How am I supposed to pass that up. Even if I'm at my parents house
Drunk off five beers on a Tuesday. I'm not sure which part of that statement is more sad
I've never played a more sexually-tense game of Uno in my life.
She asked if I could convince him so shave that shit off his face so he'll have a snowball's chance in hell of getting laid.
and ive been naked for the greater part of the evening. alone, drunk, and naked. i think that is how all great interventions start.
library dates and plan B? He is looking like a great catch.
it was fucking weird. cops showed up but they appreciated our 3 story bong. and then some girl tried to steal our cheese and butter
Last time Jon threw a party I woke up on my porch, no shirt but 4 bras on, and "make better life choices" written on my stomach in sharpie
I've got the dick your vagina needs, but not the one it deserves right now.
The inside of my nose has felt like the guy's face falling off from raiders of the lost ark all week
We were supposed to hurry because the restaurant closed at 9. I ended up giving him a blow job so we had to eat at Arby's instead.
Randomize
