You hurt me so bad and it feels so good
So my roomate was sunbathing this morning on the porch with a sock covering his penis
Sounds like a really classy character....
He is classy. It was argyle.
you told me to make out with him to promote the social success of the sorority
An alarm set every 45 minutes saying "FATTY" and one every afternoon saying "CASPER" every day until spring break is a foolproof plan to being bikini ready
Mom wants to know why I'm bringing a blender back to college.... didn't have the heart to tell her she's paying a $20,000 tuition for us to make margaritas and sleep through class
I literally have been drunk for three days entirely by myself, the world cup may kill me
Then she opened the door and pitched the dead squirrel out, yelling "TELL THE OTHERS WHAT YOU SAW"
i know and i thought i was only capable of loving dick and drugs, im so happy
I can't live in this building much longer. People are starting to figure out that it's me making the weird sex noises.
You told me that they girl who was giving you a handjob under the table looked a little like your sister
I literally paid cover, got kicked out. Tried to explain that I was just clumsy, but mispronounced it. Then I got pissed off, stormed out..and clotheslined myself on a velvet rope. How was your night?
All I've done for this 11 hour car ride is kegel and listen to our sex playlist so your dick better be good and ready
Less adorably, the dog stared me down, yelping, while I gave him a morning blowie.
Had sex in a blanket fort. How was your weekend?
Why am I sleeping on top of the fridge?
You were playing hide and seek with the dog. she couldn't find you and you passed out.
Randomize
