and honestly a story about how you met your future husband that DOESN'T include the words "creeped him on facebook" is really not a story worth sharing
Apparently I mistakenly called the hair club for men at 3am... they called me back this morning.
and the award for most disgusting thing ever done on my couch now officially goes to you! Congratulations, you won the couch...I can't even look at it anymore.
I have a cup of vodka in my bathroom with a straw in it. Yes, I am ready for this bikini wax.
Apparently I whispered "Jesus was here" and bailed out of the moving taxi.
Just come here and visit. Enjoy the deliciousness of me being legal. Just don't think, and come here right meow. meow meow meow.
Call me when you get up. This hang-over is like dismantling a bomb: I need someone to talk me through it.
My grandpa is giving me detailed instructions on how to fight a second floor bedroom fire from a ladder on the out side. Just in case
This stranger told me I should "start playing for the other team" and then continued to talk to me about the joys of being a lesbian
So I deleted all the text from my phone, was looking for my mom's coffee order and show the coffee guy the pic of me eating pussy.
I have just been informed that my company has ray guns. I WORK FOR ACTUAL BOND VILLAINS. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
One of my life goals was never to see an uncircumcised dick. I guess that's out the window now.
ayo
its like you know when i get waxed
Nah, i wasn't offended. Having a bridesmaid who you had had multiple threesomes with your future husband would be weird.
I brought an already opened bag of trail mix from home to snack on today. Some motherfucker ate all the m&ms out of it. I hate my roommates
Randomize
