We were in the backseat and he was giggling uncontrolably. It felt like I was giving head to a 10 year old girl.
i proceeded to stick my hands in his pants while he continued to repeat i have a girlfriend
Ice skating? Did you see me last night? I don't even know where my socks are
I just woke up to three dick pics. Apparently in my blacked out state. I was asking for them as the new valentines day card.
Literally lying on a futon being hand fed bacon
Fuck you.
Also I'm sitting home alone with a big ass bowl of marshmallows right now just eating. It's so sad.
Remember when we saw my neighbor taking dick pics of himself? He's back at it!
Apparently I've told this bouncer I stalk him on Instagram 3 times. I should stop drinking. I only remeber saying it tonight. early sign of Alzheimer's
Only the sound of Friends and my gulping of wine are masking the sounds of my roommate getting laid
You just get me
I'm the wind beneath your wings, bitch
We figured you were on something when you said that your nipples couldn't hear the music.
Listen, you can either give me drugs or an orgasm. You decide.
Im riding the bus with beer in one hand and chapagne in the other. I love weddings.
Tonight is an "I'm lonely and single so I'm going to curl up in a warm, melatonin and vodka enriched ball in the corner of my bed with a cat." kind of night.
Can you confirm that you aren't dead?
Randomize
