so later when i'm crying over him remind me that he once called his penis "senor weeper"
I was just handed a mimosa the size of my head. Stay tuned.
Found my puke from September encrusted to the floor under the dresser while cleaning before move out ..... Oh Freshman year
dude i feel like at any given point 3/5 of that family is trying to fuck you
i think you're the only person in the world who masturbates to food network.
if any part of your body has ever entered my vagina you are fucking obligated to speak to me if i so desire
Ohh man. That was a snatch-waxer with a score to settle.
He stumbled out of the bathroom with his pants around his ankles yelling "tie my shooes!"
He is such a generous lover, I can look past the fact his name is fucking Bob.
But really, someone with a penis give me attention before I start posting nudes on Instagram.
Pants are for mortals
I didn't even get crazy off of the coke so everything's fine. Also, I think I might have killed my aunt's dog..
Last night I actually told him I came with a washer and dryer
I’m not dating him for his personality. I’m dating him so I can steal his dog.
that blonde bartender and I racked up an impressive mini bar bill last night
Mini bar? Did you get a hotel room?
Yeah, the last thing I need right now is a chick with an insane clown posse tattoo knowing where I live
That’s legit
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