I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
I glued a penny on the door Tricia believes its Patrick Swayze haunting our apartment. Fuckin potheads.
How am I still drunk? Whoever said breakfast is the most important meal obviously didn't skip dinner and go drinking.
Eventually evolution will just give us a better liver anyway, so our great great grandkids should THANK us for our binge drinking.
I love drunk self when he leaves a prepacked bong for the morning... in the bathroom.
Any night you end up on the couch next to the trash can with a bag of white wine on your head is a rough night.
I hate it when fuck holes buy me drinks at the bar. You don't know my order. You don't know me. You don't know where I've been. You don't know my life.
at least I have the sex noises of his roommate to entertain me while I wait for him to wake up
SHE BROUGHT HER PARROT TO THE PARTY. IT SQUAWKS EVERY TIME SOMEONE VOMITS LIKE 'PARTY FOUL SQUAWKKKKKK'
You're more than welcome to join us! There's red velvet cake and apparently my pants are open for business I didn't consent to this
The sad part is I didn't even want to get laid. I just wanted the emotional connection, but my vagina was screaming "TOUCH ME. TOUCH ME RIGHT NOW BECAUSE MY DADDY ISSUES ARE MUCH DEEPER THAN MY EMOTIONAL NEEDS!" Vodka has a way of getting me out of my emotions and gets me fucked every time.
I was in the bathroom and I heard a phone ding inside one of the stalls. I really wanted to say, nature is calling, but I was still in my work uniform
All she said to me before going to get another shot was "Damn, I'd eat her out."
just hooked up with a guy ON MY CAMPUS VISIT. god only knows whats gonna happen when im actually a student
You left me a really long voicemail saying, "Hey, it's meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee." and then the rest is just loud laughter
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