My vag should have a twitter account. It would be like "destroyed another condom today".
For some reason fuck navy didn't go over quite as well as say fuck michigan;
So I missed her say 'don't' before 'come in me'. She felt what was happening and freaked - which actually made the moment 100x better.
I feel like vodka or no vodka, you'd still be trying to button your cat into your comforter
she uses eco-friendly sex toys. she is the literal definition of a hippie.
Can we hire someone to dj while we have sex?
Hey on the reals though tomorrow if i take you out to lunch as just a friend will you also suck my cock as just a friend?
I owe you 20 bucks. My blood work did show liver damage.
I knew I was rolling hard when I realized I had been rubbing the couch for an hour
I know it's not technically the "Mile High Club" but we def need a name for the airport bathroom. Cuz that just happened.
It doesn't count as "finding the lesbian" if you fuck a straight girl!
My goal is to have my roommate find me sprawled out in the middle of my floor naked and passed out. Maybe with some Alfredo chicken hanging out of my mouth. I don't know, we'll see where this goes.
Puke-y regrets or just things-seem-far-away regrets?
You weren't singing into a microphone in front of an audience. You were screaming into your fist in the check-out aisle in Walmart.
Didn't think I'd be dancing with the Power Rangers but here I am
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