Dude ! Why is there vomit with whole pieces of sushi in the shower when the toilet is not more than 2 feet away ? btw you need to chew your food better,
I'm exhausted and I have velveeta stuck in my teeth
Did you eat out Derrek's girlfriend again?
His uber religious wife caught us having anal sex in their bed..... she called us sodomites. Can you even be a sodomite if you're a girl?
You're not a sodomite. You're a whore. Tell her to get the insults right. Did she try to save you with Jesus?
She said she'd pray for me. Man, if I had just caught my husband balls deep in some ho, I'd say fuck the praying and kick her ass.
I know it may not be fiscally responsible to pregame fifty cent night, but I'm gonna go ahead and do it anyway.
We are NOT roofying him just to get him to pass out so we can build a masive snow cock in his yard.
Passed out mid cig in bed last night. Thank you cough for allowing me legal prescription hydrocodone.
can i text him and be like "oh yeah, forgot i kinda made out with a girl this weekend. For future reference, does this count as cheating?" ?
the first cop to show up was this girl who hooked up with our home ec teacher in high school, she knows about questionable decisions
Your feet probs hurt bc the cab driver kicked us out a mile from home after you wouldn't stop screaming "prohibition can suck my dick"
My book, "How to Live With a Huge Penis" was delivered today. Can't wait to read it in public.
Was just told that I slept on the counter using a loaf of bread as a pillow. Clearly my life is going well.
I've never wanted anyone to have herpes as I much as I want him to right now.
You took acid last night and I’m up early to go to the grand opening of a new TJMaxx by my house. We couldn’t be more perfect.
Either my boss has an enormous dick or he’s hiding a can of tennis balls in his bike shorts
Maybe I will go to the company picnic
Oh please. Preoccupy yourself with my penis.
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