I just watched the Dark knight, Maggie Gylennhaal looks like Katie Holmes after a stroke
Last night when I was hammered I set a reminder to tell you that your boobs are my favorite ones in the world, so this is me giving you that message.
I was officially considered the drunkest person in cuba when the bartender at the swim up bar made me wear a life jacket for 'safety purposes'
announcing that you were the mayor of bjtown got their attention.
Well, you know sobriety isn't something I like to do on the reg.
I swear I can't go out anymore. It's like he put a GPS in my dick. I don't know if I should feel awkward or proud...
I solemnly swear I will not get your boyfriend puke in public drunk again
Have you ever come so hard that right after you have the urge to yell "make me a sandwich!"? ...I think my ovaries turned into testicles.
Just check with her if girls can get blown, that's all.
Happy birthday and sorry I punched your friend in the face
Officially locked in my status as an indifferent millennial by downloading Tinder.
Is it bad I use my AA meeting to hookup with guys?
I'm a grown ass woman. Treat me like one. Fuckboy
He took me out to dinner to tell me we had to stop fucking so randomly
Honestly wish he pleased me as much as queso does
Listen, i know this is weird for you, but as your fuck buddy, id prefer if you didnt fuck her.
Youre asking too much from me
Randomize
