I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
We're watching an ocean show on Discovery Channel and drinking every time they say "dolphins." PS. Seals kill birds. Tell all your friends.
I cant believe I just managed to do a drug deal across the country for you...
doctor said mango vodka does not count as my daily servings of fruit. damn.
Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
I think jizz is working it's way to becoming my number 1 food source.
Seriously, let me lead the intervention, my parents did like three with me. I know how it works.
Karaoke into a bottle of boones. dear summer in alabama, glad to see you again.
Totally just met the chick getting nailed in our lobby last night. Should I bring it up?
I feel like "stop licking my face" isn't something that needs to be repeated twice
Let's get really high and wear fake mustaches and try not to laugh at each other...
I want my birthday to be like the hunger games where all the contenders for my vaj have to fight each other off to win the prize
Can I have the second place winner?
The doctor basically called me a dirty dick.
I just don't know how to say "I want to have sex you with before you graduate" in a classy way
Holy shit he’s stupid hot! If you don’t hurry up and make a move my ovaries are going to march over there and introduce themselves
Randomize
