My gyno actually laughed when I told her about his penis size.
Dude why does my asshole itch so bad?
I'll teach you how to wipe better
I woke up in my own vomit, a chunk of cactus in my thigh, shirtless, with jons mom poking at me with a glass of dr pepper and a talk about god....damn alcohol
there r dinosaurs outside my house i hear them
pretty sure those are just snow plows....go back to bed
tell that swedish kid i didnt take his shotgun. he GAVE it to me.
there's nothing like the elf drinking game to get me in the christmas spirit.
We are possibly on our way, unless we see the limo full of strippers.
I will also be strapping forties to the puppies.
I made a tournament bracket for the girls that Im talking with.
I don't judge her for getting booty calls at 2 in the morning, so she can't judge me for staying in friday nights and putting spray cheese on pringles.
Made myself shower before I'd masturbate. I probably should have wined and dined myself too, but that's pushing it too far.
You coulda licked the floor this morning and got drunk.
I just conducted a skype meeting drunk and in the middle of a cornfield. I don't even think they noticed.
We were looking everywhere for you and I finally found you in the closet talking to a build a bear.. So I gave you and myself another drink
i found you passed out on the floor with a half-eaten pie. i figured youd be the last person to care if i went and banged your sister
Randomize
