If facebook stalking was a job I would totally pown it
After he came all over my face, he proceeded to give me a high five. I can't even act upset because I always put myself in these situations. Did I mention D3: Mighty Ducks was playing in the background?
Dude. I haven't taken a shit in a week.
Try anal, it works wonders.
I wanna passion pit in your ass
Im telling you now. Hang out with winning football players and you get whatever the hell you want. Sorry to wake you. But its important knowledge.
sometimes i think life is slapping me across the face and laughing, saying "ha ha! you're an adult!"
My mom just found some of our lube mixed in with my box of pots and pans. I hate moving home.
Guy having heart attack in McDonalds. Classic.
I fell asleep at the bar. And the bouncer threw a snowball at my face.
Until you find your self finger banging supergirl in the middle of the dance floor while her friends are passing around for luigi mustache for a photo op, YOU HAVE NOT HIT MY LEVEL
How did work go after you told them you were in jail?
Great they tried to bail me out.
We really gotta change brands again because 2-ply is making us feel like the celebrities we aren't.
I got an assistant at work. First task was picking me up at a strip club. I was drunk and trying explain how it was work related
can we not compare my dick to a children’s folk tale
Hey man, he's too drunk to remember what you said. What drugs are we buying and when should we expect them?
Randomize
