just went to get groceries. a cashier said she saw me last night. i guess i carried a broom back from the party and swept the street the whole walk back...and i claimed to be in the cast of wicked
Ok I love you more. To infumty and beyong.
do you believe in love at first sight?
awwwwww =)
yea.. so can i have your sisters number? thanks!
My mom just asked me if I was gay in front of my gf
he's been in the country 4 hours and we just did it in the closet. he called me "miss flirtatious in the cupboard." i'm in love.
I thought about puking over the balcony or the bathroom and figured the balcony seemed much funner.
Idk man I'm just a giant talking marshmallow ready to be toasted and dipped in chocolate
He pointed at some girls and said "I'm gonna have sex with them girls over there", and disappeared.
you were afraid hed set himself on fire so you dumped a box of baking soda on him
I like how you were offering me $50 last night to come home with you to take care of you and your dog
he came to me for relationship advice and we ended up fucking in my backseat
Waiting on the notification from my fitness pal that tells me I'm an alcoholic
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
so i just realized the reason you didn't answer my call last night is because the remote isn't a phone.
I WILL go to space. And if we find aliens I WILL fuck one. It’s the Marine Corps way
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