i know we just met, but i forget your name, and i'm wondering why my penis burns?
I woke up to a text that said "You're a fucking asshole" Why is she so pissed at me?
Im guessing it has something to do with running up to her boyfriend screaming "THIS IS SPARTA" and kicking him in the balls.
Is that considered a cock block?
As of tonight I have officially had sex during every Disney movie.
im pretty sure thats the first step to being a pedafile
Dude. I tried to convince her to eat poprocks and give me a blowjob. It did not work out well.
Turns out vomit takes off spray tan.
Bring more bourbon. Day drunk just hit another level.
Obama is so hot when he ends wars.
He said he was trying to live vicariously through me. I didn't have the heart to tell him that meant he was vicariously fucking his best friend.
I don't think there was a moment this weekend where grey goose did not course through my veins
This dude has my number from April last year. Drunk me left sober me a puzzle. No confirmation of pants off business
You went home with a man in a loincloth
I just watched him leave in half a loincloth. Don't you just love Halloween???
I had to rename my dildo. I met a little kid who named his teddy bear the same name. It just felt wrong.
Concept: I never actually flirt with anyone, I'm just a bitch and some people find it endearing
so, i take that as a legit invitation into his pants
sad thing: we were only a shot away from an orgy. good thing: we all got laid.
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