She is wearing lilly and pearls while drinking natty from a monogrammed coozie. If that isn't a sorosititue I don't know what is
Dude, we're at Einstein's Bagels and the dude next to us is spreading cannabutter on his bagel.
apparently 20 random guys watched the process of me being carried on a mattress through the dorms
Her face was so far in my boobs, I didn't think she'd make it out. She took it like a man. She's a real trooper.
sometimes you just have to pull up your panties, blow a kiss to the security camera and walk out of the alley like nothing happened.
so he woke up after being passed out and yelled that he had brought back moon rocks for everybody...
Remind me never to take that much Vicodin ever again. I laid in bed measuring my heart rate for an hour and a half because I was afraid it would stop.
I got shot at today. If that doesn't get me at least a blow job I give up working on the south side
You need to come back and help me drink our beer so the fridge has room for the other beers
He sent me a snap chat of his naked torso with cookies over his nipples. Like.... that does not make me want you homeboy.
I asked this couple what they would like to drink and they leaned toward me eagerly and asked if we still have THE root beer ... Idk if this is code for please add cocaine to my drink
Lesson learnt. Sex toy cleaning spray is not an acceptable substitute to clean your glasses with.
Pretend you're in a taco. That always helps me sleep.
When we pulled over so you could pee, you made us stand over you and "make a roof"
It's wednesday. OF COURSE HE'S DRUNK.
Randomize
