Dude she looked like Jerry Garcia's knuckles
please pick me up with an explanation of why i shacked in a trailer with a guy who doesnt have a car.
How am I supposed to spread my seed with you "modern women" and your birth control?
Dude, I just scraped frozen vomit from my rooftop
I really wish I could say this is a new low for you
Weddings at vineyards should never be allowed to happen. I'm pretty sure I drank every bottle they produced in 2008.
They went to the hospital to try backflips in the parking lot. Be ready for the call
We've done the math and the dogs tails are wagging at a rate of 3000 wags per hour. Stoned.
I'm not being over dramatic, but I think my heart is going to stop beating.
I was preparing to do my walk of shame shirtless, but then I found my sweater, wallet and keys neatly piled under a tree in the park.
It was drunk tag. I was Alice in wonderland chasing a ballerina who was chasing Lance Armstrong who had needles in his arms.
The molly dropped while I was taking a shit. Do you have any idea how scary that is?
That does not seem like timing
it's pretty awkward texting you how much I want to suck your cock when I have my mom on speakerphone.
On my way
You are talking to me during sexting hours. Be careful, innuendos are taken seriously
i could have got laid, but instead, i threw up in her hair. you can cross that off the bucket list.
Oh, do you remember telling everyone you were with that your vagina was angry last night?
Randomize
