dunno bout you, but i grow tired of beef curtains
I woke up this morning with a hospital armband on containing all the information off my fake i.d. WTF did we do last night!?!?
The required reading for this week is a paper about birds called great tits. Let's see my TA keep a straight face through this discussion.
Rooting for you and your team in the Beer Olympics this afternoon...! Love you, Mom
He woke me up at 3 am kneeling on the floor pissing and yelling, then he passed out and stole my comforter. I want a new roommate...
OK am i seriously the only one who thinks Cocaine Tuesdays is a bad idea?
nothing like a cross blunt to celebrate the birth of our savior
this is why ugly people need low self esteem. it stops them from doing shit like this.
I took the weekend off because he and I were supposed to go to Vegas for our anniversary and get a hooker remember?
Ah, yes. Who says romance is dead?
You leaned over so she could squirt ketchup in your hair and then started chanting "KETCHUP NIGHT!! KETCHUP NIGHT!!!"
Do you think if 10 year old us knew that we would be passing out in a McDonalds after a hefty night of drinking, and 23 McChickens, they'd change anything?
Holy shit, add "successfully got stoned secretly at a party where a cop was" to my list of accomplishments.
I just got a voicemail from some strange woman with a Russian accent. Are you ok?
I fell asleep while eating jimmy johns last night and then woke up at 5am and continued to eat it
This morning we had sex while he was wearing a full length fur jacket and sunglasses... I wasn't even phased
Randomize
