I just had a dude tell me how he got fired from friendly's for tripping a kid and followed the story with "If i'm gonna do it, I do it big."
some girl just asked me how to spell unconscious. I really want to know what she was texting.
Is it bad that now when i read ingredients in the food I eat i only read it as shrooms instead of mushrooms ?
I just peed next to my dog in the yard. Unparalleled forms of bonding going on over here.
sorry i was making out with matt didn't mean for it to sound like that. there was no tone
there should be a new saying, don't text and tongue
i was about to rearrange the room but realized that this is the only efficient setup where we can have sex while the other one's asleep without them accidentally seeing.
There's going to be a pool, lightsabers and alcohol. What could go wrong?!
Idk if you remember me telling you about him, but I gave him a hj under the stars. Kind of added a little disney aspect to the whole experience.
You are such a cockblock sometimes
You NEED a cockblock sometimes
you threw up into the pocket of your shirt. which was pretty damn polite
The less money I spend on drugs, the happier my mom will be.
Do you know what the cost code is for strip clubs? I'm filling out my company expense report right now
Dude. $3 Jack n Cokes AND Cheesesticks... Find me tomorrow plz
What would I even say at the wedding? "Sorry that I still wouldn't sleep with you after four years of you trying...but hopefully my sister here isn't that stubborn" and give him an awkward pat on the back?
I may or may not have been feeling patriotic and banged Captain America in a closet. SPOILER ALERT: We broke his shield
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