that speech was about as successful as her performance in twilight
I woke up covered in my own vomit with a pocket full of napkins. I guess I knew I would need them, but was not coherent enough to use them before passing out.
She made me put my jeans under her mattress so that I wouldn't leave in the morning while she was still sleeping. Apparently I just look like "that guy".
Woke up to a bouquet of flowers in my toilet bowl. Drunk hubby loves me.
I found her sitting in the shower having an argument with the dolphins on the shower curtain.
Not sure if jager bombs can cure tuberculosis, but its a theory im testing as we speak
Please be advised that because of last year's "incident" we will no be starting St. Pat's day with spicy breakfast burritos and car bombs. Please plan accordingly.
I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL?
Please acknowledge the sock on the door. If not it will be rammed up your ass.
I am taking a candle lit bath, blasting some tupac and smoking a fat bowl. This is how every night should end. Did you go take a piss in his car yet?
I'll screw just about anything, but I draw the line there
How do you tell a vegan you want him to stuff you like a turkey?
if anyone breaks out the olive oil & slip n slide, text me 911.
I think my brain is throwing up inside my head. How do you live like this?
I just washed down my antidepressant with some pineapple wine. I'm the picture of mental health this holiday season
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