Do you realize that we tried to rent a limo at 5am to come and take us to waffle house?
you fucking puked into the top of the beer bong while i was chugging from it. when i realized i was chugging your vomit, i vomitted on the floor. she kicked us both out.
She was wearing a shirt that said "Just Do Me", holding a half of a bottle of Vodka, and was screaming at her friends "PUSSY JUST SWALLOW!" before she chugged the rest of the bottle.
Dude, if you don't take her, I will.
It's official. I now have that "I was drunk and needed the money" college story to share later in life.
Had a drag queen carry me to the car. So I'm told...
Im otw to class. I was at the Library. Just past three girls with a bottle of tequila playing dizzy bat.
It doesn't matter how many times you look in your purse, Your keys are not going to be there. Maybe you left them at the bar.
Maybe they fell out of my pocket last night when I rolled down the hill.
Some guy in lab is humming along to a Sara Barrilles song. Or maybe I'm just hearing the song echoing in his huge, gaping vagina.
We are finally out of the honeymoon stage of the relationship because it turns out that you can't come back from peeing on me in your sleep.
him crossdressing on the weekends is awkward but not a deal breaker for me.
I was stalking his twitter and saw that he used punctuation in a hashtag. Thank god we didn't work out because I can't be with someone that incompetent
It's 2016 and I am a strong independent woman who just wants someone not weird to touch my butt, dammit
Whoever said it shouldn't take a man to make you happy clearly wasn't having sex everyday.
Based on the conversation I'm going to assume you didn't close the deal.
It started going awry when I fell through a roof.
Just found out my dad smokes weed too. Mom, grandma, all aunts and uncles, and now my dad too. It's like I'm genetically engineered to be a stoner.
Randomize
