There is a bruise on my cock the size of a golfball. Bad sign.
I'm just concerned it's gonna end up in my vagina again
I'm so prepared to puke on walk of shame tomorrow that I'm putting a toothbrush and toothpaste in my purse the night before. And to think, my dad thought I wouldn't make it in college.
it's not like i was drunk to the point of NEEDING help...i just wanted someone to offer to hold my hair or something.
He drew a face on his balls with a sharpie. It was like giving head to a unicorn.
Me too it's so nice. Debated studying out there but woulda been 90% babe-watching 5% flexing 3% studying and 2% talkin my boners down.
So, sleeping with all of my Vicodin in my bra because I knew she'd be searching my room for drugs tonight. I'LL SHOW HER.
the last time I drank tequila I ended up riding your skateboard nude down the street... so yeah, I'll have a few shots.
I swear to god if I see a single piece of genitalia I'm driving back to LI and smacking you back to the Italian Renaissance
I was going to make you have an awkward boner around all your coworkers but then I fell asleep.
2015 is the year I FINALLY ALMOST had enough dick to satisfy me.
I responded with revoking his blow job privileges. Needless to say, he's learned his lesson.
I found a used condom and a hairbrush in my dryer this morning.
Hiring someone to do your laundry would be a good investment.
Does this cleavage amount say, “Fuck it, I’m over dating, let’s just fuck?”
my grocery cart consisted of hershey bars, sour patch kids, starbursts, mayo, 4 frozen pizzas, 4 lunchables, and chips. clearly, i can't do this on my own.
Randomize
